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Techheads -- A Study in Geekdom
by KangaMitz


Geekdom is not only an inherited trait, it is also an acquired one. They have an ability, not unlike the BORG, to assimilate anyone who comes too close. Keep your distance and by ALL means, do NOT give them caffeine.

Bloodshot eyes... Finger cramps... Speaks in abbreviations... Thinks in Comic Sans MS... Can put a computer of any sort together in less than 5 minutes... Pale, sun-starved skin... Blunt fingernails so as not to interfere with typing... Spends much of their spare time wandering around Best Buy and Circuit city in a trance... Can't leave Wal-Mart without visiting the electronics department...

Sound familiar? These are the telltale qualities of a geek.

The following page will offer you more insight into the world of The Geek. No geeks were harmed in this study, except the one improperly captured. However, three researchers were. Two of them were assimilated. The other ran off in a naked frenzy screaming 'Disconnected AGAIN' and hasn't been heard from since. Her left sock was found next to a serial cable. Her logs have been found and will be posted shortly.


The silence is deafening. You could hear a pin drop as everybody stares. He realizes too late that he was just pondering the way to make his script work out loud. His companions all look at him with the same 'what are you talking about' expression. He blushes profusely and mumbles some incoherent explanation, and the conversation about last nights 'Friends' episode resumes. A few minutes later, his friends mention going to catch a movie. He declines. Why? He just got a cable modem...


There is no set location for geeks... They seem to be everywhere and anywhere an electric outlet is located. Their population seems to become more dense in areas of high speed cable access.


This field is still under study. Nobody knows exactly how the geek originated. Apparently nobody cares.


The geek burrow ranges in size and intensity. Some are but a small cart, while others are large wooden objects closely resembling a desk suffering from a hostile computer takeover. The more computer equipment you find in a burrow, the more likely it is that you have located one of these creatures. Some Geeks even have a strange habit of stashing computer parts in various parts of their burrows, like closets or in boxes underneath their beds.


The geek is, from time to time, an antisocial creature. It often crouches behind computer monitors and has been known to stare at them for hours at a time. Apparently this is enhanced by their ability to go for long periods of time without blinking. Geeks have a strange habit of not being able to throw computers away, and in the rare event that they do, they strip it in a cruel and methodical manner, leaving only the shell. Geeks are interesting creatures, but only to other geeks, which could explain why they are drawn to each other. Do not, in any way, underestimate the intelligence of a geek. They are highly intellectual and, when pissed off, can turn your electric toothbrush into a genuine weapon (This unfortunately was discovered first hand).


Once again, this field is under more study. They have been noted in all shapes and sizes, and there has even been a few sightings of the rare 'Gorgeous Geek Male' in and around the area of Pensacola.


The geek prefers to do software related activities. Often scripting, sometimes playing games, but basicaly in front of a monitor. The more true to the breed geek, the more involved their activities. Some true geeks have been known to create their own geek equipment such as mp3 boxes. The actual true geeks write webpages in their spare time, and get their kicks from ritual sacrifices and dissection of their computers. Nobody knows why.


The geek prefers to graze. It generally consumes quickly prepared meals. Macaroni and Cheese appears to be a geek favorite. Often Geeks will consume foods right from the can, such as spaghettios (the meatball variety is preferable) or beefaroni. Although you may be able to lure them from their computers long enough to eat, more often than not, they will take the food and retreat back to their burrows. If you are lucky, you may even hear conversation coming from the geeks general direction as it retreats.


As the geek is a VERY predictable creature, finding it is not very difficult. Capturing it, on the other hand, is extrememly difficult. You cannot take a geek away from its computer willingly for long periods of time. Many have tried. All have failed. Computers are first and foremost in a geeks life. However there is a technique to getting them away from the computer:

The first step is to sneak up on the geek. This is a very easy task, since all of their senses shut down in front of a computer and they become mere drones. It does help to make modem sounds.

Then, you very carefully throw a pillowcase over their heads, and turn off their computer while they are struggling.

Finally, you must drag them away, kicking and screaming by the foot. More often than not, they must be sat upon while they acclimate to the computerless environment. Be warned, they do not seem to take too well to this practice, so have an ample supply of ho-hos and twinkies on hand.


Above all odd behavior is the geek breeding. There is no set time, and, when really quiet, one can even observe the mating dance. This dance seems to consist of a LOT of computer lingo and some digressing into their native tongue, html. As it heats up, DOS becomes the language of choice. Unfortunately, our studies have been a bit inconclusive about what happens next, as our researchers seem to get bored and fall asleep.

Techheads Logo Copyright © 2001 NeonGhozt,  Content Copyright © 2001 KangaMitz,  All rights reserved. Last edited August 13th, 2001.